Does it itch?

So there was this girl, in this Lahori country club, and she was buying chicken patties. Her hair color was a disgruntled shade of ginger but it was her flamboyant jumpsuit that traumatized me more. There were buttons, front and back. Some where they should be, some where they shouldn’t. It was hard to tell where her hips were in the jumble, so I assumed her legs started two feet from the ground, making her look like an alpaca. To make matters worse this jumpsuit was a loose frilly thing with flared legs. Let me not dwell on her ships… er hips….

Has anyone in Lahore noticed the rise in females in jumpsuits? I always hated jumpsuits as a fashion trend, they make a girl larger than life. And now its polluting my town. Yes friends. IT IS A THING (*please insert gasp here*). What is this nonsense? I’m a tax-payer goshdarnit.

Pakistan Todays recent coverage of the disaster

Sure, I can’t fight crime being armed with only my fists… and wit. Heck I can’t even win a fight with a PTI-fan boy (because really, who has a counter-argument to “winning”?) But I can raise a voice against the atrocity that is the bottom half of the jumpsuit and what it does to your thighs. Where was the fashion police when this disaster came on the scene? All the repeat faces I see every week in Sunday Times and GT, wither art thou? Why have you, the powerful fashion flashers, not done the awam a favor and shunned the jumpsuit? And what is Imran Khan’s position on the issue?

Lahori girl, you are mighty fine. But your jumpsuit takes the fine out of the sentence. Does not itch? Is your midsection not in a bunch? And the pain when you stand up… is it worth it? Did you like getting wedgied in school? Are shirts and pants too much effort? Did you find yourself at a committee lunch and realized you lost your pants somewhere between home and Cosa Nostra, ergo you invested in a jumpsuit? Did you think it would make you jump higher?

I call upon the PTA, to hear me now. Sirs, a grave grave boo-boo has been made. The word ‘jumpsuit’ and its physical use is an immodest act of highly immodestilial proportions. Please add the word to your list of banned sms words (“Jumpsuit”, not “immodestilial”). Shahbaz Sharif, you handsome ban-it-bandit, you too. BAN IT.

Thus I shall end my column ala Bilal Tanweer with a poem. But unlike him, my knowledge of a poem that may loosely fit the topic is quite sparse, ala marmite on toast. Yet, I shall attempt this.

Toad. Ala Mode.

You know that you are hot 
I know that you are too
But jumpsuits can only be worn
by sweepers of the zoo
Janitors and bee-keepers
and convicts have ’em too
Skydivers and Elvis baby
and they look okay, its true
But honey your Chanel jumpsuit
surely expensive and new
make your thighs and your hips scream
“What did you do?!”

The author can be spammed by divalicious-jumpsuit-loving-fashionistas at Pak Tea House

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One thought on “Does it itch?”

  1. I suppose if I were to allow the restraint I normally place on my natural male instinct towards sexism to be temporarily lifted, I would have to say that the jumpsuit is rarely flaterring to the female form. This is especially true in Lahore, where centuries of pait puja and a rejection of the benefits of regular exercise have rendered cellulite the defining characteristic of said form. On the other hand, the jumpsuit presents an even more unattractive sight when the body inside it is hipless. Add velour to the mix and the evidence that mankind has reached its zenith in the expression of its God-given vacuousness becomes incontrovertible.

    Worshipping inside the Temple of Fashion is the surest sign that one has lost confidence in one’s ability to make one’s own choices. And surely the most wonderful phrase in the English language is “Bad Hair Day”. In a world where millions die or suffer as a result of famine, floods, earthquakes, typhoons, surely nothing can be worse than having a bad hair day!

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